“I’m turning in my resignation,” I said peering away from the chaplain in the medical center.
She answered me with a simple, “Why?”
“I could barely keep from crying myself,” I confessed.
After several weeks of training at a psychoanalysis institute in downtown Chicago, I had become a facilitator for children’s grief groups.
The chaplain looked at me with comforting eyes, assuring me that being able to connect to the children’s pain was key in being effective. I facilitated the grief group for an additional five years. Even today, I recall lessons I learned, which apply to both children and adults.
- Physical Signs of Grief. The death of a love one can trigger outward displays of grief. In children, there might be bed wetting, thumb sucking, poor performance in school, temper tantrums, sleep disturbances, clinging, headaches, or stomach aches. Of course, these symptoms should be addressed.
- Emotional Impact. Whether children or adults, other responses that might surface are the inability to concentrate, not eating or overeating, feelings of powerlessness, anger, self-blame, loneliness, isolation, or feelings that life will never be normal or happy again.
- Therapy. Talking to a therapist or grief professional can help one cope when the feelings of sadness seem insurmountable. Find a safe sounding board to help journey through the grief.
- Pastoral Counseling. Spiritual tools of coping can include prayer or talking to your pastor or a church leader. Many times, there are groups or pastoral counseling already in place to address the grief process of the parishioners.
- Group therapy. When selecting a grief group, keep in mind that there are a variety of losses: a parent, a sibling, a child, a grandparent, an extended family member, or a spouse. Choose a group which addresses the grieving person’s specific type of loss for the most benefit.
- Grief resources. In addition to personal therapy, there are other resources including fiction and non-fiction books which can be helpful. When an adult or child reads about characters who work their way through the strong emotions of grief and solve problems along the way, this can plant a sense of hope into the reader’s life. Readers often identify with the characters, which can offer them a sense of hope and fight the sense of isolation.
- Differences in grief. Remember that people grieve differently, whether children or adults. One family member might enjoy looking at the loved one in photo albums or visiting the grave site. For another person, the same acts might become triggers for producing more sadness and despair. There is no “one size fits all” in terms of grief.
- Feeling alone. It is not unusual that in the initial weeks of the loss, people flock to the family or person impacted by the transition. Later, those offering consolation and support may dwindle away. Eventually, the grieving person must move towards building their coping skills regarding the loss.
- Self-care. Stay active. Exercise. Spend time in nature. Volunteer. Avoid long periods of isolation and avoid substance and alcohol abuse.
- Creativity. Express grief creatively. As a group or individually, there are creative means in handling grief including journaling, art therapy, balloon releases, creating memory boxes, or honoring the loved one on his or her birthday by recalling fond memories.
- Open communication. Remember grief should not be a solo journey. There are counselors, neighbors, other family members and friends. Keep talking. When a child loses a parent, open dialog between the caregiver and child is paramount. Talking to a trained professional or concerned loved one can help the person cope when the feelings of sadness feel insurmountable.
Holidays can be triggers for grief. As 2024 comes to an end and Christmas and Thanksgiving approach, it is especially important to become vigilant for signs of debilitating grief in ourselves, family members, neighbors, and friends.
Even though everyone grieves differently, there are healthy and unhealthy ways of grieving. Keep this list of tips handy as you approach this season.